This deployment is crawling to an end. Yes, I mean crawling. This month is 5 miserable weeks long. It's made the paycheck short and my days drag on. I am experiencing very mixed emotions lately. I miss him so badly, similar to the way it was when he left for Kuwait. I find myself taking the majority of my days in tiny little baby steps; minute by minute. I typically just want to fall asleep and hope that the next day is better.
We are fighting more again. It's absolutely draining. We both firmly believe that the other is wrong and refuse to see our own idiotic behavior. This typically results to me breaking down into a bawling snotty mess or him refusing to talk to me for a specific amount of time and between the both of us ... severely harsh words exchanged. The majority of the time (in social media aspects) we are very loving and kind towards each other. But I believe the stress of many things is just getting to us. We have planned a nearly 3 week vacation ... 2 1/2 of which will be spent with his Mom, but I have been promised 2 or 3 days of just us time in Kentucky and alone time while in New York to work on things. I know we love each other, however things are just trying desperately to test our relationship.
I need some unwind time. My patience and sanity are wound so tight I could explode at any given moment. So, I am heading to my home town to see family. Gonna spend some time on the farm just relaxing and doing absolutely nothing except jogs in the country and walks in the pasture. A fire out in the fire pit with a cup of sugar free hot chocolate in my hand, wrapped up in a blanket. I plan to visit Kansas City to see my little sister and friends, then off to Russell to decorate my Grandparents grave; as I'm sure no one else has.
I just can't wait until he's home. I want us to be better. I want my marriage back. I want the love and happiness in this house back. I want him back :(
To My Love: I know things have been shitty lately. I know I've been a bitch and you've been an asshole. I don't know how to fix it, other than to get you home and treat you like a King and you treat me like a Queen. I hope things will go back to normal ... I hope that we can be "us" again. I love you
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Is This March????
We are WEEKS away from being reunited and I am so emotionally drained I can't see straight. I'm not sleeping, I don't want to eat and I don't want to leave the house or be around people. This feels like when he left back in March all over again.
I'm having days where I just want to stay on the couch all day, turn my phone off and watch TV. I don't want to shower, eat or anything. I'm sure my mailman is wondering if I am dead considering the amount of mail shoved in my mail slot.
Then there are other days where I have so much energy that I clean the house thoroughly. However, every turn I make I can't get "Missing Alex" off my mind. I wonder what he will think about what I've done with the house, if he's gonna like the new dog, if he's going to hate Izzy again, if he's going to want a bigger place or be mad about the bed sheet set I've picked out. This typically ends up to me cuddled up on the bed or couch in tears and bawling my eyes out. I just get lonely but I'm not willing to do anything about it.
I'm driving myself insane by counting and re-counting the weeks on the calendar. I can't help it. We have a projection of dates that they could come home, so I try to count it out the furthest possible so not to get my hopes up. It's driving me insane.
I think a lot of it is just missing my friends back home. I'm continually worrying about if Alex and I will be "okay". We've had such a rough time within our relationship this entire deployment that it scares me. We have each changed so much... I just noticed this the other day. Alex has grown up. He's no longer that kid with no care in the world. He's responsible and thinking ahead. I've began thinking that I don't really need anyone to take care of me. That I AM ok just being by myself. I know this sounds incredibly selfish and even in my head I'm like "What the fuck is wrong with you ... don't think that". But I think it's inevitable to think it.
Another thing that is really starting to piss me off are those people who say "You have to be strong for him". Fuck that. I'm kind of over being strong for just him. What about me? I'm here with no companionship, holding down a home we got together, driving the car we bought together and taking care of our day in and day out life chores. Who's strong for me? No one. No one is. It seems to be okay that when his day has been shitty or something has pissed him off that he can yell at me and be hateful. However, if I am in a sour mood and say an off comment, I'm chastised. Now I realize I sound like a hateful bitch, and I don't mean it in that sense. Of course I love my husband, and I will always be an ear for him to vent to. I just wish the anger management was a little better.
WAITING
Waiting
waiting
...waiting
To my Love: I miss you. I know I have been weepy and needy and you haven't been able to really be there for me. I'm not going to say it's "okay" because right now I don't find it fair. Ask me tomorrow how I feel about it cause maybe it'll be different. I just want you home. I miss you like wildfire. Come home now ... stop playing soldier.
I'm having days where I just want to stay on the couch all day, turn my phone off and watch TV. I don't want to shower, eat or anything. I'm sure my mailman is wondering if I am dead considering the amount of mail shoved in my mail slot.
Then there are other days where I have so much energy that I clean the house thoroughly. However, every turn I make I can't get "Missing Alex" off my mind. I wonder what he will think about what I've done with the house, if he's gonna like the new dog, if he's going to hate Izzy again, if he's going to want a bigger place or be mad about the bed sheet set I've picked out. This typically ends up to me cuddled up on the bed or couch in tears and bawling my eyes out. I just get lonely but I'm not willing to do anything about it.
I'm driving myself insane by counting and re-counting the weeks on the calendar. I can't help it. We have a projection of dates that they could come home, so I try to count it out the furthest possible so not to get my hopes up. It's driving me insane.
I think a lot of it is just missing my friends back home. I'm continually worrying about if Alex and I will be "okay". We've had such a rough time within our relationship this entire deployment that it scares me. We have each changed so much... I just noticed this the other day. Alex has grown up. He's no longer that kid with no care in the world. He's responsible and thinking ahead. I've began thinking that I don't really need anyone to take care of me. That I AM ok just being by myself. I know this sounds incredibly selfish and even in my head I'm like "What the fuck is wrong with you ... don't think that". But I think it's inevitable to think it.
Another thing that is really starting to piss me off are those people who say "You have to be strong for him". Fuck that. I'm kind of over being strong for just him. What about me? I'm here with no companionship, holding down a home we got together, driving the car we bought together and taking care of our day in and day out life chores. Who's strong for me? No one. No one is. It seems to be okay that when his day has been shitty or something has pissed him off that he can yell at me and be hateful. However, if I am in a sour mood and say an off comment, I'm chastised. Now I realize I sound like a hateful bitch, and I don't mean it in that sense. Of course I love my husband, and I will always be an ear for him to vent to. I just wish the anger management was a little better.
WAITING
Waiting
waiting
...waiting
To my Love: I miss you. I know I have been weepy and needy and you haven't been able to really be there for me. I'm not going to say it's "okay" because right now I don't find it fair. Ask me tomorrow how I feel about it cause maybe it'll be different. I just want you home. I miss you like wildfire. Come home now ... stop playing soldier.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Pre-Deployment
So, I remember when Alex was deploying I started Googling every single thing I could about deployment. What should I expect before, during and after. What information should I have handy at all times? Who was my go to person for emergencies? Phone numbers, addresses etc etc. The one thing that stuck out to me was pre-deployment happenings. Mainly, what was up with my husbands shitty attitude!?
I'm going to write this from two different views. First will be the view that I had while all of this was happening back in March. Second will be the view that I have of it now.
First View
Days before Alex left he got really shitty with me about the smallest things. Clothes not folded, dishes not done, dinner not ready and my constant questions of what is this, what is that, where will that be, what if this happens, what if that happens. We pretty much ended up in a screaming match each and every night leading up to the day he left. To divulge a few details ... we got in a stupid fight over a pack of cigarettes at the Shoppette one day. It turned into yelling at each other and me driving off while he walked home. Stupid right? Oh it gets better. He gets home and neither one of us can just drop it ... no no no ... a vacuum gets tossed across the living room while my chihuahua ducks and runs for cover! I'm actually laughing while I type this because it's so funny to me now. But the fight did end in tears on both parts and complete and utter exhaustion cause we said some pretty terrible things. I could not understand how Alex could be so fucking cold hearted since he was leaving me for the year. Why couldn't he just love me and hold my face and tell me that I am the only woman in the world and just run away with me? Why was he being such an asshole! Why didn't he realize that those could be the last words he ever says to me???
It never dawned on me that I was being a bitch and was not being understanding.
Second View
Now that we are at the end of the deployment I have learned a few things. All of them get attitudes before they leave. They are preparing for complete and utter culture shock. I don't just mean living in a new country ... I mean working 24/7, living in a PCB with 20-40 other people, sleeping in a bunk that is highly uncomfortable, very strict protocol, possible danger, seeing themselves or a battle buddy injured or killed and flat out not knowing what anything will be like after that 22 hour flight. I don't believe for one minute that my husband meant to cause me mental anguish. It's just something that can't be helped. In all honesty, now that I look back, I wish I would have been more understanding and made his life a little less dramatic his last few days before leaving. Even after he first left I was very clingy and needy (more so than ever) and he couldn't do anything about it. It never dawned on me that he couldn't answer the phone if I was calling like he could state-side. I would have to wait for the Army to allow the time for family time. Remember ladies ... a wife is NOT issued by the Army ... it's a privilege. The Army does not care about family time while they are deployed. That is not the mission nor the objective. It sounds harsh and it is to our little hearts ... but it's reality. The sooner we embrace that and accept it, the faster we become more understanding and accept our lifestyle... making our lives and our husbands lives a little more bearable.
Please remember that your husband nor you can do ANYTHING to change what is going to happen. You can't make it go away and you can't fix it. Orders are orders are orders and nothing is going to change (usually). The minute I accepted that, the minute things were easier for me mentally speaking.
So, in closing remember this. Your husband doesn't mean to be an asshole. Be it before he leaves or while he's gone. If he's silent, quite, out raged or pissy just let him be. Be his ear to vent to and only offer advice if it's asked for. Be sympathetic to his needs. Your time for all the attention will come during R&R and Redeployment.
To my love: I love you so much. You know the issues we had before you left and the awful fights after you left. I apologize for the times I got mad you couldn't call me on Skype. I'm sorry the the 2 times I freaked out over you being on a mission and unable to take for days on end. I'm sorry for not being as understanding as I should have been. I know when you get home I get to be your Queen all over again and that is what has kept me going strong this entire time. Less than 2 months and I get to be your world. Stay safe lover. xoxo
I'm going to write this from two different views. First will be the view that I had while all of this was happening back in March. Second will be the view that I have of it now.
First View
Days before Alex left he got really shitty with me about the smallest things. Clothes not folded, dishes not done, dinner not ready and my constant questions of what is this, what is that, where will that be, what if this happens, what if that happens. We pretty much ended up in a screaming match each and every night leading up to the day he left. To divulge a few details ... we got in a stupid fight over a pack of cigarettes at the Shoppette one day. It turned into yelling at each other and me driving off while he walked home. Stupid right? Oh it gets better. He gets home and neither one of us can just drop it ... no no no ... a vacuum gets tossed across the living room while my chihuahua ducks and runs for cover! I'm actually laughing while I type this because it's so funny to me now. But the fight did end in tears on both parts and complete and utter exhaustion cause we said some pretty terrible things. I could not understand how Alex could be so fucking cold hearted since he was leaving me for the year. Why couldn't he just love me and hold my face and tell me that I am the only woman in the world and just run away with me? Why was he being such an asshole! Why didn't he realize that those could be the last words he ever says to me???
It never dawned on me that I was being a bitch and was not being understanding.
Second View
Now that we are at the end of the deployment I have learned a few things. All of them get attitudes before they leave. They are preparing for complete and utter culture shock. I don't just mean living in a new country ... I mean working 24/7, living in a PCB with 20-40 other people, sleeping in a bunk that is highly uncomfortable, very strict protocol, possible danger, seeing themselves or a battle buddy injured or killed and flat out not knowing what anything will be like after that 22 hour flight. I don't believe for one minute that my husband meant to cause me mental anguish. It's just something that can't be helped. In all honesty, now that I look back, I wish I would have been more understanding and made his life a little less dramatic his last few days before leaving. Even after he first left I was very clingy and needy (more so than ever) and he couldn't do anything about it. It never dawned on me that he couldn't answer the phone if I was calling like he could state-side. I would have to wait for the Army to allow the time for family time. Remember ladies ... a wife is NOT issued by the Army ... it's a privilege. The Army does not care about family time while they are deployed. That is not the mission nor the objective. It sounds harsh and it is to our little hearts ... but it's reality. The sooner we embrace that and accept it, the faster we become more understanding and accept our lifestyle... making our lives and our husbands lives a little more bearable.
Please remember that your husband nor you can do ANYTHING to change what is going to happen. You can't make it go away and you can't fix it. Orders are orders are orders and nothing is going to change (usually). The minute I accepted that, the minute things were easier for me mentally speaking.
So, in closing remember this. Your husband doesn't mean to be an asshole. Be it before he leaves or while he's gone. If he's silent, quite, out raged or pissy just let him be. Be his ear to vent to and only offer advice if it's asked for. Be sympathetic to his needs. Your time for all the attention will come during R&R and Redeployment.
To my love: I love you so much. You know the issues we had before you left and the awful fights after you left. I apologize for the times I got mad you couldn't call me on Skype. I'm sorry the the 2 times I freaked out over you being on a mission and unable to take for days on end. I'm sorry for not being as understanding as I should have been. I know when you get home I get to be your Queen all over again and that is what has kept me going strong this entire time. Less than 2 months and I get to be your world. Stay safe lover. xoxo
Monday, October 3, 2011
Why do we Facebook?
This is a little off subject of my normal blog ... but it's something that's been on my mind today. Facebook is the social media experiment to see if adults can act like two faced little assholes in a public forum. Tell me it's not. No one can argue this. There is no "value" to Facebook other than being a nosey ass person and say you are "keeping in touch" with people. No you aren't ... don't lie ... you are a nosey little shit just like everyone else.
There are people on my Facebook that I want to hit the face with a chair. I like them as a person, but damn ... some of the things they type out make my brain hurt, teeth grind and toes curl.
I'm guilty of it, I can admit that much. There are people on my friends list that in real life, I can't or could not stand. There's only a handful, but I keep them around to see what their drama is all about or to read about their next bitch and whine session. Let me tell you, Army wives are full of it. We always have something going on. Deployements, Redeployments, Balls, Ceremonies, Kids, Work, He said/She said, PCS's, TDY's ... need I go on? It's fun to read it when you are board. Lord KNOWS I have drama on my Facebook and I don't give a flying fink that I do. I stand by the fact that if someone didn't want to read it, they would delete me. And people have deleted me. Oh well, I'm sure there are a few who only keep me around to see what shenanigans I'm up to this week, day, hour, minute.
On the other hand, Facebook is nice to have on the days I can't talk to my husband on Skype for one reason or another. He will leave me little sweet love notes or messages to remind me that he is always thinking of me. It's also nice to see my friends kiddos grow up. I currently live 13 hours away from my home town and highschool friends and because of Facebook I can see how they are doing. Wait... that's being nosey. This sentimental paragraph isn't going the way I thought it would.
Rant over!
There are people on my Facebook that I want to hit the face with a chair. I like them as a person, but damn ... some of the things they type out make my brain hurt, teeth grind and toes curl.
I'm guilty of it, I can admit that much. There are people on my friends list that in real life, I can't or could not stand. There's only a handful, but I keep them around to see what their drama is all about or to read about their next bitch and whine session. Let me tell you, Army wives are full of it. We always have something going on. Deployements, Redeployments, Balls, Ceremonies, Kids, Work, He said/She said, PCS's, TDY's ... need I go on? It's fun to read it when you are board. Lord KNOWS I have drama on my Facebook and I don't give a flying fink that I do. I stand by the fact that if someone didn't want to read it, they would delete me. And people have deleted me. Oh well, I'm sure there are a few who only keep me around to see what shenanigans I'm up to this week, day, hour, minute.
On the other hand, Facebook is nice to have on the days I can't talk to my husband on Skype for one reason or another. He will leave me little sweet love notes or messages to remind me that he is always thinking of me. It's also nice to see my friends kiddos grow up. I currently live 13 hours away from my home town and highschool friends and because of Facebook I can see how they are doing. Wait... that's being nosey. This sentimental paragraph isn't going the way I thought it would.
Rant over!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
These Tears Running Down My Face ...
I'm missing you a lot today
The only thing that has gone right is your internet held out long enough to talk to you and hear your voice, even though you were unhappy
There's tears rolling down my face just wishing you were here to lean on
I keep thinking about you sitting on the couch with me curled up in your laugh, crying away today's problems while you run your fingers thru my curly hair telling me it'll be okay
I missed waking up as early as I did today and making your breakfast, that started this emotional rollercoaster
I've started to prepare the house for you to come home but am scared to finish it too quickly
I get fears and doubts that your date will be pushed back
I noticed the lunch time horn today for the first time in months and wished I could see your shadow in the window as you unlock the door to come home
Pandora hasn't been kind to me. Too much Christina Perri and sad Country songs
After the drama of the day knowing that you are the only person I can trust completely made the "want" so much worse
I know you're almost home, but it feels so far away ...
I miss you penguin.
The only thing that has gone right is your internet held out long enough to talk to you and hear your voice, even though you were unhappy
There's tears rolling down my face just wishing you were here to lean on
I keep thinking about you sitting on the couch with me curled up in your laugh, crying away today's problems while you run your fingers thru my curly hair telling me it'll be okay
I missed waking up as early as I did today and making your breakfast, that started this emotional rollercoaster
I've started to prepare the house for you to come home but am scared to finish it too quickly
I get fears and doubts that your date will be pushed back
I noticed the lunch time horn today for the first time in months and wished I could see your shadow in the window as you unlock the door to come home
Pandora hasn't been kind to me. Too much Christina Perri and sad Country songs
After the drama of the day knowing that you are the only person I can trust completely made the "want" so much worse
I know you're almost home, but it feels so far away ...
I miss you penguin.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
So Much In 1 Year
A year ago today I moved to Texas. I had so much going on in my life between the problems my Mom had caused, a second failed marriage and just outright unhappiness. The only shining light that I had seen in a very long time was Alex. Even my close friends made comments at how my mood had changed and how happy I was and that they hadn't seen a happy Josey in a very long time. Thinking his name made me smile and giddy with stupid silly emotions.
A year and a week ago I was packing up and selling off things. I had 3 suitcases that I could take on the airplane with me and a 3 bedroom house to empty out. I treated it as a cleansing process. Leaving behind the things that reminded me of a "Sad Josey". Things that would only put me into a state of depression. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to leave and start over in Texas ... but I had never gone out on my own to take care of things myself in a place where I had no family or friends. I was scared.
As I boarded the plane I began crying. I think emotions had finally taken over me. The stewardess even asked if I would be okay. I told her as soon as the wheels are off the ground I will pull my big girl panties up. I did just that. I landed a couple of hours later in Denver, Co on my layover and had a beer. It was 10am! Ha ha.
I landed in Texas and met Alex at the escalator. He wrapped his arms around me and I started to cry again. I think he thought I was crying cause I was seeing him again, but it was all the emotions of the entire day. I was in Texas. I didn't have anyone to fall on if I failed. Nothing. I had courage though. I didn't need anyone to do this for me or to pave the way, I kept telling myself "You got this".
I was quickly integrated into a military family lifestyle. It wasn't easy and I fought a lot of the day to day agenda with Alex, simply out of stupidity. I learned to love it though (except the part where 3 months later we find out Alex is deploying ...).
So, thank you to all of you whom I have met here who have been nothing but amazing. Thank you for your patience during my highs and lows and most of all thank you for your support.
To my love: I couldn't have made this journey without you. I will never forget sitting in our 1st apartment together with NO furniture except your recliner, the TV on the floor, an air mattress in the bedroom and that nasty ole' couch! We didn't even have plates! Haha ... I served dinner in a skillet ... lol. I love you SO much and I can't wait to make more memories with you! xoxo
A year and a week ago I was packing up and selling off things. I had 3 suitcases that I could take on the airplane with me and a 3 bedroom house to empty out. I treated it as a cleansing process. Leaving behind the things that reminded me of a "Sad Josey". Things that would only put me into a state of depression. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to leave and start over in Texas ... but I had never gone out on my own to take care of things myself in a place where I had no family or friends. I was scared.
As I boarded the plane I began crying. I think emotions had finally taken over me. The stewardess even asked if I would be okay. I told her as soon as the wheels are off the ground I will pull my big girl panties up. I did just that. I landed a couple of hours later in Denver, Co on my layover and had a beer. It was 10am! Ha ha.
I landed in Texas and met Alex at the escalator. He wrapped his arms around me and I started to cry again. I think he thought I was crying cause I was seeing him again, but it was all the emotions of the entire day. I was in Texas. I didn't have anyone to fall on if I failed. Nothing. I had courage though. I didn't need anyone to do this for me or to pave the way, I kept telling myself "You got this".
I was quickly integrated into a military family lifestyle. It wasn't easy and I fought a lot of the day to day agenda with Alex, simply out of stupidity. I learned to love it though (except the part where 3 months later we find out Alex is deploying ...).
So, thank you to all of you whom I have met here who have been nothing but amazing. Thank you for your patience during my highs and lows and most of all thank you for your support.
 | |
| The day we moved into our 1st apartment |
Thursday, September 22, 2011
On the side of the road, in tears
I had to drive to Austin today to get something for my husband. I was cruising along when I slowed down to drive through the town of Florence. This town is nothing special, it is very very tiny. As I got closer to the main part of this town I noticed that on each side of the road adults and children were lined up with American flags of all sizes waving them. The further I got into the town the more people there were. There were lots of older men in golf carts holding their flags as well.
Soon, several police motorcycles approached coming from the opposite direction. My mind immedietely knew this was a funeral procession for a soldier. But what I saw next is what brought tears to my eyes and made me stand outside my car in honor of the fallen soldier.
There were close to 100 if not more men on motorcycles surrounding the procession. They each had a flag flying behind their bike. This, I am led to believe, is the group of bikers that is protecting our soldiers funerals from those spineless Westboro Baptist assholes. The minute I saw this, I got out of my car and stood to honor this person I did not know. Everyone else that pulled over to the shoulder was getting out of their cars as well. Behind the bikers followed the soldier and his or her family and friends as they made their way to the Veterans Graveyard between Ft. Hood and Florence.
This was definitely bittersweet and something I never want to have to witness again, or even personally go through.
If any of you should meet any of those bikers that go out of their way to protect the honor of our soldiers' funerals ... shake their hand.
To the family who lost their loved one ... you are in my prayers and thoughts. I know nothing can ease your pain right now and I pray that it only gets a little easier as time passes.
Soon, several police motorcycles approached coming from the opposite direction. My mind immedietely knew this was a funeral procession for a soldier. But what I saw next is what brought tears to my eyes and made me stand outside my car in honor of the fallen soldier.
There were close to 100 if not more men on motorcycles surrounding the procession. They each had a flag flying behind their bike. This, I am led to believe, is the group of bikers that is protecting our soldiers funerals from those spineless Westboro Baptist assholes. The minute I saw this, I got out of my car and stood to honor this person I did not know. Everyone else that pulled over to the shoulder was getting out of their cars as well. Behind the bikers followed the soldier and his or her family and friends as they made their way to the Veterans Graveyard between Ft. Hood and Florence.
This was definitely bittersweet and something I never want to have to witness again, or even personally go through.
If any of you should meet any of those bikers that go out of their way to protect the honor of our soldiers' funerals ... shake their hand.
To the family who lost their loved one ... you are in my prayers and thoughts. I know nothing can ease your pain right now and I pray that it only gets a little easier as time passes.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Come on ... we all think it (NSFW)
**NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW*
We all go through it. Our spouses are gone all night on CQ duty, weeks in the field, weeks to months in training to 12 to 18 month deployments. We go with out the hugs, kisses, hand holding and cuddling. But the thing we all miss the most is sex. (And the audience goes: Gasp, scoff, snort, sigh)
Face it! We all miss it. Army Wives, Sexually Frustrated for Your Freedom! That's our silent motto. I am weeks away from having my hubby home and it's all I can think about. We have so many trips to visit home and friends and all that runs through my head is "How many times can we sneak away for a quickie?" I'm still in my 20's and not even at my "peak". I'm scared of what it'll be like if he gets deployed when I hit my "peak!" Ha ha.
I've noticed the most popular direct selling parties are Pure Romance & Passion Parties. They should be! They provide us with that awesome B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend) that gets us thru those nights when we can't get our man out of our mind! The women who tap into this market correctly are probably on the path to be millionaires. I'm sure a lot of you are either laughing or shocked at my sign to the left. BE PROUD! We're adults with adult needs and you KNOW you own something to get you through those lonely nights!
Thank God most of us have the option of Skype ... cause I'll tell you what, I've never felt more like a porn star than on a "date night" with the hubby on Skype!
So this isn't a long blog, but more of a blog of ... I can't wait to get laid again ...
Can I get a hell yeah?
... don't judge me
We all go through it. Our spouses are gone all night on CQ duty, weeks in the field, weeks to months in training to 12 to 18 month deployments. We go with out the hugs, kisses, hand holding and cuddling. But the thing we all miss the most is sex. (And the audience goes: Gasp, scoff, snort, sigh)
Face it! We all miss it. Army Wives, Sexually Frustrated for Your Freedom! That's our silent motto. I am weeks away from having my hubby home and it's all I can think about. We have so many trips to visit home and friends and all that runs through my head is "How many times can we sneak away for a quickie?" I'm still in my 20's and not even at my "peak". I'm scared of what it'll be like if he gets deployed when I hit my "peak!" Ha ha.
Thank God most of us have the option of Skype ... cause I'll tell you what, I've never felt more like a porn star than on a "date night" with the hubby on Skype!
So this isn't a long blog, but more of a blog of ... I can't wait to get laid again ...
Can I get a hell yeah?
... don't judge me
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
It's All Coming True
So before Alex deployed, I had read online and talked to other people who had gone thru this before and every single person talked about the things that will happen during deployment. Here's a list of a few ...
1. A family member or friend will pass away
2. Something or multiple things will break
3. You will fight with your spouse
4. You'll get depressed
5. People will stop talking to you
Now this is only a few. But let me tell you, every single one of those things has happened so far, some of them several times.
1. Since Alex deployed I've lost 2 people in my life. And it sucks because my husband is in such a different mind frame that he can't really be consoling over it. I'm not mad at him about this, but it happened and it sucked.
2. The AC has broke, the car has had an issue, my knee dislocated, our bathroom collapsed in on itself ... need I go on?
3. Do we fight? Hell yes we fight ... and a lot. It's over really stupid shit most of the time too. I can think of maybe two things that I remember why the fight started and obviously it was his fault ;)
4. Depression comes and goes with me. Today is one of those depression days and it's the umpteenth one I've had. I'm sick of this house. I'm determined that it is never going to look pretty, that there will never be a place for all this crap we own and I have no sense of decorating style.
5. I met so many people a couple of months after Alex deployed but where are they now? Pretty much off and about in their own world. I've had these so called "friends" bad mouth me in emails and behind my back, on Facebook (God it's the DEVIL!) and to my face. Some have simply just disappeared off the radar. Now, I don't find it selfish to be mad about this. If someone needed or asked something of me and I was able to accommodate ... I'd do it and I wouldn't flake out. I have encountered SO much selfishness in this place it's no wonder people tend to hate Fort Hood. Our lack of competent and trustworthy leadership in our husbands units trickles down through its soldiers into home life. I see the exact same drama in our home life "friendships", that I see my husbands unit. Grow up people.
Anyways, I had gastric bypass surgery a week ago. It sucks. And I think it sucks because someone made the experience for me a not so great one. Again, honesty and open communication would have helped the situation but not everyone gets that concept. I've been pretty sick since I've gotten home and finding it very hard to keep my nutrition down. I find myself regretting this surgery. If I'm able to get out and get a scale tomorrow, I'm hoping to see a result that will at least make me a little happy.
To my love: I was mad at you when I wrote this... so it's hard to be lovey dovey. But I love you.
1. A family member or friend will pass away
2. Something or multiple things will break
3. You will fight with your spouse
4. You'll get depressed
5. People will stop talking to you
Now this is only a few. But let me tell you, every single one of those things has happened so far, some of them several times.
1. Since Alex deployed I've lost 2 people in my life. And it sucks because my husband is in such a different mind frame that he can't really be consoling over it. I'm not mad at him about this, but it happened and it sucked.
2. The AC has broke, the car has had an issue, my knee dislocated, our bathroom collapsed in on itself ... need I go on?
3. Do we fight? Hell yes we fight ... and a lot. It's over really stupid shit most of the time too. I can think of maybe two things that I remember why the fight started and obviously it was his fault ;)
4. Depression comes and goes with me. Today is one of those depression days and it's the umpteenth one I've had. I'm sick of this house. I'm determined that it is never going to look pretty, that there will never be a place for all this crap we own and I have no sense of decorating style.
5. I met so many people a couple of months after Alex deployed but where are they now? Pretty much off and about in their own world. I've had these so called "friends" bad mouth me in emails and behind my back, on Facebook (God it's the DEVIL!) and to my face. Some have simply just disappeared off the radar. Now, I don't find it selfish to be mad about this. If someone needed or asked something of me and I was able to accommodate ... I'd do it and I wouldn't flake out. I have encountered SO much selfishness in this place it's no wonder people tend to hate Fort Hood. Our lack of competent and trustworthy leadership in our husbands units trickles down through its soldiers into home life. I see the exact same drama in our home life "friendships", that I see my husbands unit. Grow up people.
Anyways, I had gastric bypass surgery a week ago. It sucks. And I think it sucks because someone made the experience for me a not so great one. Again, honesty and open communication would have helped the situation but not everyone gets that concept. I've been pretty sick since I've gotten home and finding it very hard to keep my nutrition down. I find myself regretting this surgery. If I'm able to get out and get a scale tomorrow, I'm hoping to see a result that will at least make me a little happy.
To my love: I was mad at you when I wrote this... so it's hard to be lovey dovey. But I love you.
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